I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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