from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
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On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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