I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
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