someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
