i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
