R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Randomize
