Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
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