new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
