So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Randomize
