either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
