Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Randomize
