I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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