YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
