There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
