i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Randomize
