somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize
