My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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