Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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