When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
