Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Randomize
