Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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