When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
