I look better un-naked...
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
