I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
