my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
