There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
