i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
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