So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
false alarm, still single
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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