Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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