fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
