im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
