I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Randomize
