dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
