Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
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