found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Randomize
