I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Randomize
