I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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