i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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