watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
