tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
no. you can't hotbox the world.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
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