Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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