Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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