Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
