she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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