you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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