I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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