and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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