Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
