i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
