I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Randomize
