his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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