I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Randomize
