The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
