yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
