if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
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The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
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I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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