my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Randomize
